Dear Baby Girl

Letting Go

Dear Baby Girl

Surprisingly one of the most difficult things about the journey of healing is the part where you have to want to get better. Well, that’s what it was for me. I mean, it sucked being depressed but it was as though depression had this massive sense of comfort to it. A familiarity I grew to enjoy; it was home. I liked it – The darkness knew my name, it knew me, which is more than I could say about any person in my life at the time. They never cared to enquire, never looked beyond the pretence. Of course, they just weren’t aware but at the time that’s not how I saw it.

I found warmth in being sad, it hugged me and all that I was very nicely because it was all that I was. And in that dark trap, I could see nothing else; I wasn’t aware of all that the outside had for me, I couldn’t see it so it wasn’t at all desirable and that’s the thing; with depression there’s no knowing.

It was my second psychologist who decided I needed to go on anti-depressants, in grade 10, she told me “the pills aren’t what make you better, you’re what makes you better. But the pills remove the hue, the fog and the mist that is covering your eyes and allow you to see outside of the darkness. They basically give you a lens into the light and only from a place of desiring the light can you even want to get better because now you know better exists.”

Funny enough, that didn’t do it for me. I was on all sorts of things but yet had absolutely no zeal for life, I was completely trapped in the darkness. I remember how she continuously concluded that I was the source of every little thing going terribly in my life and how I was therefore the answer, that I could do this and that and blah blah blah but none of that proved true.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.

John 1:1-5

This is what did it for me. The light. The true light. This is the lens with which I was not only able to find the light but to have the zeal to pursue it as well. This true light did not just show me an impractical “life” on the other side which had many promises but is actually dull and empty, this is the true life that LIFTS and actually IS life.

That was the true Light which gives light to every man coming into the world

John 1:9

And, when asked, I don’t know when exactly I got healed from depression but it became a possibility the moment I stopped looking for all the answers in myself and truly surrendered all to the Almighty. I only began to WANT to get better, and became aware of all my fears regarding life without the “hue” when I collapsed at Abba’s feet.

the-pain-of-holding-on

So Baby Girl, you and I both know your pain isn’t pretty, that being broken in this way isn’t cute. Yes, you’re scared, Little One, but you have so much more in you that you aren’t even able to see yet. I know, letting go hurts because it begins with exposing yourself to aspects of yourself you aren’t aware exist and it means giving up the false warm coddling depression presents. I know you can’t possibly imagine life on the other side and that it’s terribly satisfying to sit there all day reading depression blogs and browsing through black & white Tumblr posts but none of that is real, My Love, and it’s all temporary. I promise you there is so much more. The Lord has so much more for you.

Just this once, try the true Light. Try Life. Try God.

Bring it to Abba. He wants it all

Yours in Love, Uvile*

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